Rhaan

[Unter]

Hey ! First off, I really like the theme of your character ! It's quite unique, and it rubs my warhammer sense. (which is a good thing for my own pleasure)

But, and there's always a but isn't there ? I have two main gripes with this CS (barring the formatting that really needs to be readjusted, but I have already told you that.)

"Sword Expert" is too strong imo. You should tone it down a notch to balance the fact that Rellen is still pretty young, can have access to magical powers and that such a perk may be overpowered for a resolve 1 character. Remember that character growth and evolution are paramount to the RP.

Also, this summoning mechanic bugs me... It really come close to the rule that says that your character must be differenciated from the enemy, and a carrion eater or a Gheist really seems to cross that.

More details on the leech power would also be pretty cool ! Does it works on all types of ennemies ? Can he use this drain on himself, or on an ally ? Such things.

The Mutual Bond skill needs a bit of refining, in the line of what I said earlier. If I understood well, he can transfer wounds to enemies while touching them, and allies, but also recieve them? This power would be awesome if it didn't touch enemies. That's a tad much.

Otherwise, it's pretty much perfect ! Good luck for the editing of the CS. Don't hesitate to ask us on discord if you have any questions:!

[Vanitypirate]

TO PREFACE:
Runner, I love you a ton and I really, really would be glad to have you apart of our roleplay, but this character needs extremely drastic changes before I can even think of accepting him.

I don't want you to feel like you aren't welcome here, or that I just want to pick apart your sheet or anything. I spent a long time writing my review of this sheet and what you should change, and I really want you to read and listen sincerely.

It's not personal at all and I super dig your writing. q_q Just that there's gotta be some bigtime changes. So I have some advice for you! :^D

I REPEAT: THIS IS A LABOR OF LOVE MY DUDE. I spent 3 hours writing this out because I super super dig Rellen as a character and I want to help better adapt him to this setting!


BALANCE ISSUES:
I'll be blunt: Rellen is very OP for a resolve level 0, completely new character.
I will compare and contrast all the strengths (which includes gear as well as mental and physical boons) and weaknesses.

STRENGTHS

WEAKNESSES

Not scared of the undead Hard to kill (Second Wind) Resistant to sanity loss (Stalwart Mind) Capable of life-steal Can use life-steal to heal allies, too Can trade wounds with another Capable of summoning eldritch creatures without any obvious cost Can summon a gheist and keep it around indefinitely Former mercenary captain; experienced leader Can tutor others Great endurance in combat; can fight for long periods of time Owns sword and dagger and is proficient in using them Metal armor Rare/legendary herbs

Scared of insects/spiders Has nightmares Does not like to lead (but has extensive experience as mercenary leader?) Closed book Self-sacrificial for comrades

He is resistant to physical damage, sanity damage, and fatigue. He has herbs that can relieve stress from or resurrect his allies. Rellen, through life-steal and wound-trading, can damage the enemy and heal himself and his allies.

He does not like to lead, but if he is forced to, he's very experienced and good at it. He can also tutor his comrades.

When he fights, he can summon eldritch creatures to do fighting for him. If he does not feel like using magic, he's also pretty decent at using his sword, too. And he has a gold dagger and an advanced shield.

Whereas all his weaknesses are completely mental: he does not talk much about himself, he's willing to eat a bullet for his buddies, he has nightmares, and he's scared of bugs and spiders.

I don't think Rellen is a bad character necessarily, but I do think he's a bit of an OP character. In this current state he can't be accepted.

I recommend forgoing the herbs and magic entirely.
You could have him just be a steely mercenary leader instead! He could go around, killing monsters and necromancers with his crew, while privately looking for a cure for his Mark.

DISCREPANCIES:

I am really tired and it's 1 am, and I started on this section last. I'm just gonna list out some things that jump out of me that make no sense.

• At about ~6'3", and 130 lbs, Rellen's BMI is 16.2. If your BMI is under 18.5, you are clinically underweight. Somehow, Rellen is both underweight but also has an athletic, well-muscled body. Somehow this is also an 'average build.'
  
• He has a metal, masked helmet that covers his entire head. He also wears a hood to cover his face, despite wearing a mask.
  
• At some point Rellen was a mercenary captain, but this what not listed at all in his backstory.
• His backstory is also really vague and difficult to follow. Please supply more details.
• Your formatting is mega messed up, and your skills+equipment section isn't well organized. Please use the template supplied and edit it in the 'BBcode' tab instead of the 'preview' tab.
• Rellen is an experienced mercenary captain. He's experienced at leading. Rellen is also uncomfortable leading. Explain that, atheists.
  
• My dude what the heck does 'balanced brow thickness' mean

GRAMMAR:
You don't always need perfect grammar to post or to roleplay, but a lot of what I've read here is confusing because of a wonky sentence structure, run-on sentences, and comma splices. In writing or poetry it's not uncommon for people to make a statement by breaking traditional grammar rules-- but you have to know the rules before you can break them (and it's better to break the rules on purpose rather than because you just didn't know them)

Overview:
I know this is going to sound pretty easy-peasy basic and simple, but pleaaaase don't skim this. This is just so that I can use these terms later when I'm talking about specific, confusing sentences I read. ...and I can copy-and-paste this to other repeat offenders.

I REALLY DON'T WANNA SOUND PATRONIZING. I AAAAM JUST ESTABLISHING A BASE-GROUNDS (please don't hit me)

A complete sentence consists of a subject and a verb.
For example, the shortest, complete sentence is, "I am." 'I' is the subject (who performs the verb), and 'am' is a form of the verb 'to be.'

Sometimes sentences have an object. For example, in the sentence, "I am Groot," 'I' is the subject, 'am' is the verb, and 'Groot' is the object.
In the sentence, "The dog bites the man," 'the dog' is the subject (the person performing the verb), 'bites' is the verb (a form of 'to bite'), and 'the man' is the object (what the verb is being done to).

Prepositions modify verbs. You cannot have a preposition without a noun!
Examples of sentences with prepositions (which are italicized) are:
"At noon, I sneeze." or "I drove to the store." or "I like the dress with the stripes." (the noun following a preposition is called an 'antecedent,' in case you were curious).
Notice that you can omit the prepositional phrase ("I sneeze" is a complete sentence without "At noon," but "At noon," by itself is not a complete sentence.)

Lastly, you can combine sentences together using other fun forms of punctuation!

Commas can be used with a conjunction (and, but, so, for, etc.) It's called a conjunction because it conjoins sentences! You can also use commas for lists.

The parts of a 'complex sentence' are called 'clauses.'
"The weather was hot, so I stayed home." is a complex sentence made up of two independent clauses, because each part of the sentence "The weather was hot" and "I stayed home." are both complete sentences.

"I was late to class because of the weather." is a complex sentence made up of an independent clause, and then a dependent clause. 'of the weather' is not a complete sentence.

The Critique:
So after going over that, I want you to fix all the grammar issues in your sheet. There are a lot of sentences that are really confusing, but trying to make a copy of a sheet and edit it is a bigtime headache for me.
If you're stuck, try drawing a box around each clause! Find the subject and verb in every sentence. If you're missing one or the other, ask yourself why! Be careful not to make your sentence too ridonkulously long with an extra helping of commas and semicolons. Not only does this make it harder to keep control over your writing, but you will almost definitely confuse your reader, too.


IN CONCLUSION:
It is about 1:30 AM. I am tired. My eyes are tired. My bones are melting. Send help.

Overall you got lots of work to do, but I don't want it to discourage you! I only wrote a wall of text because I care.
I'm gonna probably pass out after this.

Happy typing!

[MidnightRunner]

The list of changes made:

Revamped his synopsis, clarified the details much more
Revamped his magic, added restictions
Changed around his Strengths and Weaknesses
Did a bit of changes and additions to his quirks
Added new info and lore to some of his gear
Herbs transferred to another character

The entire sheet has pretty much been changed.

[Unter]

Oustanding job in the corrections Runner!

I am happy to stamp this seal of temp-approval!

TEMP-ACCEPTED

Temporary acceptance allows you to explore the Hamlet, but you cannot partake in expeditions.

You may line your character up to go on an expedition, but leaving the Hamlet is not permitted until you are fully accepted.

"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

[black379]

There seems to be a lot of information left out? I understand not wanting to include everything for the purpose of in-RP exposition, but there are a few things in Rellen's backstory that are quite vague. Specifically I'd like if you listed some more info on the gheist. How/when/why it attached itself to him, what it does and what it's like.

Besides that, the sheet is much improved and well organized!

Ooh, one more picky thing. There are a couple instances noting that Rellen is more comfortable around 'friends'. Though the only person he knows from the hamlet is... Lekalis I assume? My point being that I hope he's not too closed off that he won't interact with anyone outside of Lekalis.

[Vanitypirate]

Rellen is still too strong for a level 0 character. He has no personality flaws. Being defensive when overwhelmed by enemies isn't really a weakness, and being selfless to save your friends isn't either. Being secretive about one's past isn't very damning, either. Having frequent nightmares is a good start, but you haven't really said how it affects him. Is he scared to sleep? Does this cause him insomnia and make him sluggish when he's awake? Is it difficult to rest when you're dreading what you'll see in your sleep? Same with his fear of insects; most people would be deeply afraid of giant insects so this is hardly a unique weakness. Is he especially scared of bugs? Will even a harmless butterfly make his heart race?

There's also too much magic for me to be comfortable with, especially since Rellen is already pretty well-armored and very physically strong (he can toss a full grown man!) For a level 0 character, I would advise that you pick just one spell for him to cast and work with that. He can always learn more about magic over the course of the RP.

These changes will need to be made before I can accept this CS.

[MidnightRunner]

Did a multitude of changes and armor switching to hopefully bring Rellen's flaws and strengths in line with one another. I took away most strengths and quirks, including more switching to one to help make sure he's a starting character, and addressing everything in the above post.

I want to apologize thus far for the inconveniences I'm causing to you mods to get Rellen accepted and sincerely appreciate your efforts.

[black379]

We also appreciate you working with us. We're not trying to make this a hassle, and we're certainly not trying to wear you out over this. I know you've been asked to adjust and/or elaborate on a bunch of details, but the bottom line is that we can't allow a new character to waltz into the hamlet and shrug off danger and monsters like nothing. (Not to say that that's what you're going for in the first place.)

I'm sure you realize that the restrictions aren't to just prolong this process, nor to bully you. We want to help and make this a workable and interesting character! And earnestly I believe that a simple and faulty character is infinitely more interesting than one who can muscle through most conflicts without much effort.

I would wager your full backstory (Currently TBR) will have plenty of detail on Rellen's past, involvement with the disease and Velius, involvement with Lekalis, etc. But tbh that's sort of a non-issue for now.

As it stands it's really difficult to give the greenlight on a guy who has been through all sorts of non-descript trials, comparable to those of the hamlet. Newcomers are meant to be fresh-faced, not to any and all tribulation ofc. But they should be more than a little shook by ghouls and monsters(even the ones that aren't amorphous, otherworldly tentacle creatures (hell, even a mob of brigands should be super bad news)).

I understand that his whole connection with Velius is a huge part of the character, and whatever he's struggled through in the past has made him sorta hardened. I'm not suggesting all that be scrapped, or to make Rellen a perfectly chipper and naive person who's going to go mad after his first blunder in the hamlet. Maybe you do the reverse, and play up his PTSD or guilt or what have you. (This is one of his few weaknesses and it's hard to picture it being too problematic to deal with - becoming recklessly aggressive toward a particular enemy is kind of a good/bad, and not strictly negative quirk).

He's well armed and armored, both with tools and magic. Most of all Velius, who I have trouble understanding. The gheist(?) bonded with Rellen just because(?) and has no adverse effect on him whatsoever. It gives him extra senses, fairly strong magic, and... can it eat people??

-

TLDR; Rellen needs to start small so that the hamlet can test and develop him! He needs impactful drawbacks so a DM can challenge him, rather than tour him threw a dungeon while he smacks shit.

I apologize that we haven't nailed this yet, and again I'm super grateful for your cooperation and compromise. We don't want to ruin the vision for your character. We want you, and everyone who interacts with your characters, to have fun, to have growing room, to struggle, and to lean on each other to strive.

[MidnightRunner]

Character Sheet Changes:

Veruuk:
Velius' name is now Veruuk, very important, yes.
Veruuk's little snippet of info is gone, because he's somewhere else!
---
QUIRKS:
Positive Quirks have been changed.
Two Heads -> Natural Swing

Neutral Quirks have been changed.
Spiritually Wary -> One Answer, One Faith

A Negative Quirk has been added.
Auditory Hallucinations
---
Notes:
Rellen is no longer an edge lord.
---
Equipment:
A Journal now resides within Rellen's inventory.
---
Weaknesses have been changed.
Husked Arm is no more.
Parasitic Grasp -> Unknown Affliction
---
Various word and phrasing changes/corrections. Hopefully.

[black379]

After the edits, Rellen reads like a rugged soldier. The straightforwardness is good, however removing pretty much all information about Veruuk* has me a bit wary.

If you can reasonably develop his relationship and magical abilities through prolonged experiences in the hamlet, this seems like an okay thing. But don't exactly spring ghosty-dragon pal out of nowhere the moment Rellen is fully accepted lol.

TEMP-ACCEPTED

Temporary acceptance allows you to explore the Hamlet, but you cannot partake in expeditions.

You may line your character up to go on an expedition, but leaving the Hamlet is not permitted until you are fully accepted.

[MidnightRunner]

Oh no, that 'ghosty dragon to the rescue' thing was the first thought I had and wanted to make sure that didn't happen, I have NO plans, or bullshittery to pull in that regard, rest assured. I have plans much later down the line on how I want to develop these two. The reason I first deprecated Veruuk's biography and sheet was because he was revised to actually be absent from Rhaan/Rellen, as I now have Rhaan much more structured last I made him.

Character Sheet Changes:

Veruuk's sheet has been re-included.

***Rellen has been renamed, Rhaan. His middle and last name are hidden as I am currently in the process of revising them. This revision isn't affecting just him but a ton of other characters and concepts outside of DDRP, so if this confounds you, please let me know and I'll add them back.